Knock Knock. Who’s Joking?
“Knock Knock . . . Who’s Joking?”
A riotous collection of one liners, short jokes, and the A to Z of top quality knock knock jokes. If these don’t register on your chuckle meter, check your pulse! We encourage you to share this book FREELY with others, and pass on the humor virus! For more clean, short, funny jokes visit our website at: http://clean-short-funny-jokes.com/ebook
Yours in Laughter, The Giggle Guys
1. So much to do. So few people to do it for me.
2. The thought of terror frightens me.
3. You can’t teach people to be lazy. They either have it or they don’t.
4. If at first you don’t succeed, see if the loser gets anything.
5. The older you get the better you get – unless you’re a banana.
6. Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
7. Early to bed, early to rise. Work like hell and advertise.
8. Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% chance of getting it wrong.
9. I’ve got enough money saved for the rest of my life – unless I want to buy something.
10. Ninety percent of politics is deciding who to blame.
11. Hello fellow telepaths. You’re fine, how am I?
12. If money won’t make you happy, you won’t like poverty either.
13. If your dog is fat, you probably aren’t getting enough exercise.
14. Dogs have masters – cats have servants.
15. If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I’m so miserable.
16. My Dad’s religious. That is, if football is a religion.
17. The trouble with life is that you’re half way through it before you realize it’s a do it yourself thing. 18. If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
19. My road to success could do with less potholes.
20. Individuality. Great in everything except police line-ups.
21. Anything preying on my mind would starve to death.
22. All the world’s a stage and I’ve got an obstructed view.
23. I’m still not sure I understand ambiguity.
24. Space is an illusion. Disk space doubly so.
25. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
26. Never let facts get in the way of a good argument.
27. There is nothing wrong with my car that money can’t fix.
28. Nothing in life can hurt you – except of course barbed wire, but that’s another story.
29. Those who can, do. Those who can’t, simulate.
30. Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer.
31. May I refuse to inherit the earth?
32. Never say, “oops!” Always say, “ah, interesting!”
33. Age is only important when it comes to dead fish and good wine.
34. If cars have horsepower, why don’t boats have fishpower?
35. Is watching summer re-runs deja view?
36. You learn something new everyday – if you’re not careful.
37. It’s a small world – but I wouldn’t want to mow it.
38. A horse walks into a bar. The barman says “why the long face?”
39. Did you hear about the scarecrow that won an award because he was out standing in his field?
40. Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen saying ‘Parking Fine.'”
41. Two aerials meet on a roof fall in love and get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was fantastic.
42. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
43. What is brown and sticky? A stick.
44. What’s brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG
45. What do Mexicans put under their carpets? Underlay, underlay!
46. Don’t take life too seriously, You’re not getting out alive.
47. What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
48. With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates? I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re better now.
49. I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
50. Impotence: nature’s way of saying, “no hard feelings.”
51. People who claim that computers will make life easier for us have obviously never used one.
52. Computers come in two styles: prototype and obsolete!
53. With no walls or fences on the Internet, who needs Windows or Gates?
54. To err is human… to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human; in fact it is downright natural.
55. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
56. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
57. Printer not ready. Do you have a pen?
58. Managing programmers is like herding cats.
59. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
60. Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
61. Married men should forget their mistakes; there’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
62. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
63. I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.
64. Teamwork is essential – it allows you to blame someone else.
65. Why is there braille on drive thru atm’s?
66. I hate sex on tv, I keep falling off.
67. Be Happy, Get Fat.
68. I’m in shape. Round is shape.
69. What kind of cameras do manic-depressives use? Bipolaroids!
70. Did you hear about the guy who had a problem with short-term memory loss?
71. I do not suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
72. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
73. Hell wouldn’t have me… so I came back!!!
74. Why do 24 hour stores have locks on their doors?
75. Hand over the chocolate and no one gets hurt!
76. Afghans can’t watch the news coz there’s a teleban.
77. You say I’m a bitch – like its a bad thing?
78. When I die I want to go in my sleep like my Grand father did, not screaming like the passengers in his car.
79. Some people say I am crazy… but they have never seen me off my medication.
80. So what if I’m a psycho? There is no cure for being normal!
A group of chess players were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?”, they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
BLONDE – OUCH!
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt. The doctor looked concerned and said, “Show me where.” The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, “Ouch!” Then she touched her leg and screamed, “Ouch!” She touched her nose and cried, “Ouch!” She looked at her doctor and said, “See? It hurts everywhere!” The doctor said, “Don’t worry; it’s not serious. You’ve just got a broken finger.”
“Our staff have completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the “Y2K” date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programmes and all data to reflect your new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December. As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak. I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this “Y to K” problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible”
INSURANCE CLAIM FORM QUOTES.
True extracts from UK Insurance Claim forms. These were collected by Norwich Union for their annual Christmas magazine. “I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.” “I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.”
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?
This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q – What warning was given by you? A – Horn
Q – What warning was given by the other party?
A – Moo
“I didn’t think the speed limit applied after midnight”
“Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.”
“I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the
“The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
“I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way”
“A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”
“A pedestrian hit me and went under my car”
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.”
“I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”
“To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.”
“An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.”
“I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.”
The Wit And Wisdom Of Homer J. Simpson
“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for Daddy’s, and kids with fake IDs.”
“Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.”
“You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.”
“Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”
“If you really want something in life you have to work for it… now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
“To alcohol! The cause of – and solution to – all of life’s problems!”
“I want to share something with you – the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, ‘cover for me.’ Number two, ‘oh, good idea, boss.’ Number three, ‘it was like that when I got here.'” “Marge, you’re as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.”
“Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my speciality. ‘Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'”
“Don’t let Krusty’s death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good, night.”
“Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose. It’s how drunk you get.”
“Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
“Stealing!? How could you?? Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church?? Captain what’s-his-name?”
Military Performance Appraisals
These Are Actual Lines Form Military Performance Appraisals “OERS”
(Officers Efficiency Reports):
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus… 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
8. Bright as Alaska in December.
9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11. Fell out of the family tree.
12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
14. He is so dense, light bends around him.
15. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
16. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19. It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
20. One neuron short of a synapse.
21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
22. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
“I’ve told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones” Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LC QF, 1992.
“Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don’t pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence.” NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer’s positioning.
“I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest just squandered” George Best.
“If we played like that every week we wouldn’t be so inconsistent” Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.
“That’s great, tell him he’s Pele and get him back on.” John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.
“I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area, for goalies is between their legs” ANDY GRAY, SkySport
Richard Keys : Well Roy, do you think that you’ll have to finish above Manchester United to win the league? Roy Evans : You have to finish above everyone to win the league, Richard.
“If you can’t stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen.” TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold “It’s now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday.” (Radio 5 Live)
“Football today, it’s like a game of chess. It’s all about money.” (NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live)
“I don’t believe in luck… but I do believe you need it.” ALAN BALL
“Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I’m sure today’s won’t be any different.” TREVOR BROOKING
“Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead.” TOM FERRIE
“And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley…unless somebody knocks us out.” DAVE BASSETT
“And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds.” PETER JONES
“What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal.” JIMMY HILL
“Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.” BRIAN MOORE
“Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.” DAVID ACFIELD
“What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio” GERRY FRANCIS
“If there weren’t such a thing as football, we’d all be frustrated footballers.” Mick Lyons
“He’s one of those footballers whose brains are in his head” Derek Johnstone – BBC TV Scotland (1994)
“The crowd think that Todd handled the ball…. they must have seen something that nobody else did” Barry Davies (1975)
“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel” Stuart Pearce (1992)
Jimmy Hill: Don’t sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through? Terry Venables: I think it’s fifty – fifty
Judge: “Well, sir, I have reviewed this case and I have decided to give your wife $700 a week.” Husband: “That’s fair, your Honour. I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.”
NEW-BORN STATE OF THE ART
New born babies in these new state-of-the-art high tech delivery rooms come out cordless!
CRY ME A RIVER
Cut up onions floating down a river can make a bridge on the river cry.
Teacher: “How do you spell rain?” Student: “Rane.” Teacher: “That’s the worst spell of rain we’ve had in years!”
Doctor: “Did you take my advice about your insomnia and count before going to sleep?” Patient: “Yes, I got as far as 28,658 and then it was time to get up.”
A woman is sitting at a bar when a man approached her and says: “Hi, sweetie, want a little company? “Why?” asks the woman. “do you have one to sell?”
-The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass. -Alas + Alak = marriage. -My computer has a lot of memory. I just can’t remember where it is! -Ever notice how many people are just dying to get into the cemetery? -Anyone know who won the human race?
Aitch! Aitch who?
Almond! Almond who?
Almond your side!
An author! An author who?
An author joke like this and I’m off!
Annie! Annie who?
Annie one you like!
Who’s there? Arch!
Avenue! Avenue who?
Avenue heard the latest knock knock jokes?
Ayatollah! Ayatollah who?
Ayatollah you already! Who’s there?
Ben! Ben who?
Ben gone a long time! Who’s there?
Butcher! Butcher who?
Butcher left leg in, butcher your left leg out..!
Carol! Carol who?
Carol go if you turn the ignition key!
Danielle at me, it’s not my fault!
Daryl never be another you…!
Denise are above de ankles!
Dewey! Dewey who?
Dewey need all these knock knock jokes?
Dynamite – if you ask her nicely!
Fido! Fido who?
Fido known you were coming I’d have baked a cake!
Genoa! Genoa Who?
Genoa any good knock knock jokes?
Hacienda! Hacienda who?
Hacienda da story!
Harmony knock knock jokes are there?
Heaven seen you in ages!
Hobbit! Hobbit who?
Hobbit letting me in then?
Honeydew you want to eat out tonight?
Howell! Howell Who?
Howell you have your tea, with milk and sugar?
Hugo first – I’ll follow!
Hutch! Hutch Who?
Hyman the mood for love!
Ike! Ike who?
Ike could have danced all night!
Ivan! Ivan who?
Ivan idea you know who it is!
Java good weekend?
Jester minute, I’m looking for my keys!
Jewell! Jewell who?
Jewell know when you open the door!
Joe Namath Who?
Joe Namath not on your door – thath why I knocked! Who’s there?
Juan! Juan Who?
Juan some more of these knock knock jokes?
Judy! Judy Who?
Judy liver for free?
Juicy what I just saw?
Who’s there? Julian!
Julian I are getting married!
June know where the post office is?
Justice I thought, you don’t remember me!
Justin Quiring if you want your paper delivered!
Kermit! Kermit who?
Kermit a crime and you’ll go to jail!
Khomeini time for dinner!
Lionel get you nowhere, better tell the truth! Who’s there?
Lisbon! Lisbon who?
Lisbon married eight times!
Nadya head if you understand what I’m saying!
Noah good place to eat?
Norway will I leave until you open this door!
What’s nuisance yesterday?
Omar goodness gracious, wrong door!
Omelet smarter than I think I were!
Ooze! Ooze who?
Ooze been sleeping in my bed?
Orange juice who?
Orange juice sorry you asked?
Oscar a silly question, get a silly answer!
Ottawa know if you’re telling the truth?
Ozzie you later!
Panther what you wear on your legth!
Paul! Paul who?
I’m Paul shook up!
Peg! Peg who?
Peg your bardon, I’m dislexic!
Phyllis in on what happened!
Pyjamas round me and hold me tight!
Quebec to the end of the line!
Rabbit! Rabbit who?
Rabbit up carefully, it’s glass!
Radio! Radio who?
Radio not, here I come! Who’s there?
I’m your puppy-dog! Who’s there?
Rapunzel! Rapunzel who?
Rapunzel troubles in your old kit bag….!
Renata milk, can I borrow some?
Roland stone gathers no moss!
Rufus leaking and I’m getting wet!
Rupert your left arm in, your left arm out ….!
Sabina long time since I’ve seen you!
Sadie! Sadie who?
Sadie truth and nothing but the truth!
Safari so good!
Sauce together, now she’ll tell everyone!
Saul! Saul who?
Saul the King’s horses and all the King’s men…!
Scissor and Cleopatra!
Scott! Scott who?
Scott nothing to do with you! Who’s there?
Shelby comin’ round the mountain when she comes..!
Sherwood like to meet you!
Shirley you must know me by now!
Signor light on, so I knocked!
Sigrid service – open up!
Smee – your neighbour!
Sofa so good!
Spice, the final frontier!
Spider what everyone says. I like you!
Step father who?
One stepfather and I’ll be in! Who’s there?
Stopwatch your doing right now!
Stu! Stu who?
Stu cold – let me in! Who’s there?
Summer! Summer who?
Summer good and summer not so good! Who’s there?
Tamara! Tamara who?
Tamara is Tuesday, today is Monday!
Who’s there? Tex! Tex who?
Tex two to tango!
Thatcher didn’t know who it was!
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked-knocked!
Thermos! Thermos who?
Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this!
Thumb like it hot and thumb like it cold!
Who’s there? Tibet!
Early Tibet and early to rise!
Who’s there? Tish! Tish who?
Their great for blowing your nose!
Toby or not toby, that is the question!
A twain is what people wide on!
Uganda get away with this!
Valencia dollar, will you pay it back?
Vaughan day I’ll vin the lottery!
Venice your bell going to vork?
Viscount you install a bell?
Waddle you give me if I go away?
Well, I’m glad you’re excited about it!
Wanda nother knock knock joke?
Water way to answer the door!
Wheelbarrow some money and go on holiday!
Wicked go see a movie!
Willoughby a monkey’s uncle!
Wilma dreams come true?
Witches the best way home?
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know!
Yacht! Yacht who?
Yacht to know me by know!
Yolanda me money and I’ll pay you back!
Yukon say that again!
Yvonne to be alone?
Zany body home!
Zeke and you shall find!
Zombies make honey, others are queens!
Zsa Zsa who?
Zsa Zsa last knock knock joke!
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